"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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