Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
