Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
