no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
