i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
