Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
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The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
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You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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