i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
