where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
