this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
