Will you blow on my dice?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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