i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
