Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
As shirtless as possible
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
