Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
