The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
