Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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