dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
