You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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