"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
