My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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