How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
BRING THE BAGELS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
