I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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