I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
