bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
