Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
