i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
