Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
