this is something i pride myself on being below average for
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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