im six kinds of drunk right now
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
