My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
