i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
