Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
