oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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