I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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