Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
