My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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