i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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