A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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