shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
