I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
