I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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