I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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