I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
