i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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