Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
