Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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