Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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