I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
