I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
