we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
