i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
