i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
