a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
