Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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