Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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