Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
