is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
