His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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