I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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