I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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