Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
